Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
