apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
