Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
