u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
