Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
