Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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