Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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