he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
