What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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