I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
