My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
