Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
