the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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