Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
