She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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