ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
