No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
