dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
