he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
