Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
