I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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