She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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