Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I look better un-naked...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
