Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
