When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
