I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
