i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
