I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
