i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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