I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
