wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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