An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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