Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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