How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
