i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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