woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
