I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
