No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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