I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
