he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
