saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
