Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
