I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
