the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
