***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
