I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
