It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
