my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
