Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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