Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
