you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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