please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
