happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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