Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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