This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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