I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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