his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
